Stop Expecting Your Partner To Be Everything

If you’ve ever thought, “Why doesn’t my partner get me the way I get them?”, we’re going straight into that uncomfortable truth: we’re asking one person to do the job of an entire community. When your partner has to be your best friend, therapist, problem-solver, adventure buddy, and biggest fan all at once, the relationship can start to feel heavy, tense, and full of disappointment. We share why that pressure fuels anxiety and resentment, and how a simple mindset shift can make love feel easier again.

We talk through everyday examples that reveal bigger relationship expectations, from what feels normal to ask of a partner to what quietly kills attraction over time. We also unpack why celebrating wins can feel uneven, why it’s so important to keep friendships and family bonds active, and how keeping some space actually protects romance. Long-term love doesn’t thrive on constant closeness; it thrives when you still have room to miss each other and return with fresh energy.

We also get into modern dating burnout: coffee dates that feel like interviews, judging from photos, and the overwhelm of too much choice. We lean on the “it takes a village” idea and share a more natural way to date by bringing someone into your real life and focusing on what matters most, like kindness, respect, and how they treat other people.

If this conversation helps you rethink your expectations, subscribe, share it with a friend, and leave a review so more people can find the show.

Transcript

Why One Person Feels Like Everything

0:00

Sometimes uh especially today we forget that it takes a really to to have like a community so it's not just we we tend to put all our focus especially in relationships on one person on our partner and we expect them to be like the be it and end of everything, don't we? Yeah, we expect them to be our best friends, them to be the person who understands us, empathizes with us, has exactly the same kind of uh beliefs. Beliefs, exactly interests and interests, but it's not always that way. And I think that can be very, very detrimental to relationships. I think that's what stops a lot of younger people and not just younger people, like older people as well. Yeah, it can happen in in forming new relationships and it stops them, it puts them in a in a place where they just can't like be bothered with dating anymore because they think it's just too much effort, and I'm never gonna find like one person. So that's what we're gonna be chatting about in this week's episode of Get Real with the English sisters mind, health, and anxiety. And thank you all for supporting us. And please do subscribe and follow if you enjoy the show.

The Spot Squeeze Boundary

1:32

Yes, I was just thinking what you were telling me the other day that you nowadays we expect our partner like to squeeze our spots or what yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, or and yes, okay, that's fine. That's fine. I would as well. No, I wouldn't want them to squeeze my spots, but if I had a problem, like you said, you got stung by a bee. Well, yeah, and you couldn't see, and you had like the the the the little thing was still in there, it was on my t on my foot. Yeah. So what's it called? The little bee thing. The sting. The stinger. The stinger. Either it was a wasp or a bee, but you said the wasp doesn't leave the stinger. The wasp doesn't leave the stinger. It's a bee that does, and then unfortunately they die, so it's a shame. Yeah, because you just trod on it, didn't you? No, just by mistake. I mean, I had my shoes on. I had my slippers on. I was in the garden. The grass was a bit long, so there were some of those little flowers that flowered on the grass, those little weed. Yeah. And I probably it was always a mistake. I stepped on it. But it got you thinking, didn't it? Because you asked your husband to do it. I did. Yeah. Well, because I couldn't reach it properly, and and I helped him, but I did think that, you know, that's fine because that was like a help in an in not emergency, but it was like a medical thing, really, because my foot was swollen, and I said, Can you remove it? Can you help me? That's a normal thing. But what I was thinking was about like, you know, today you might be even asking your partner for things that you wouldn't have done before. Well, when you first met you. Well, I would have. If it was a bee, it was a stinger that's a different thing. You wouldn't like have asked them to squeeze a spot on your blackhead out, for example. Yeah, if you have a nasty blackhead somewhere, you know, you wouldn't think you met him, you've got a blackhead on your back, and you're uh you're a girl, and you know, you wouldn't say ask your girlfriend exit. Yes, yes, I wouldn't say or go to the aesthetician. Yes, you wouldn't say to your boyfriend, can you remove that? You would think, oh no, uh disgusting. Yeah, I wouldn't ask him or her. You as if you're a boy as well, you know, listening to this, you probably wouldn't ask your girlfriend. You think no. No, you want to keep some kind of decorum, don't you? I mean, it sounds very Victorian, but it sounds Victorian, but I think that's a problem in the Victorian times. They used to be completely separate. I mean, and that was too much. There was too much. They would sleep in separate rooms, everything was separate. Then now everything's together, together, together. So everything's together. And we're everything to begin. Uh you know, what we're saying is we're advocating for uh a middle, a middle ground, a middle ground, whereas your partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, doesn't have to do everything and support you in

When Support Feels Uneven

4:25

every way. For example, when we were writing our books, yeah, I first blabbed on to my husband about it. Oh my god, we're so excited, the editor. And then I just looked at him and I thought, yeah, he's giving me a little congrats, but I'm not going to be able to share. He's not really interested. No. It's not interested in the same way. In the same way. He said congratulations. I had a little bit of resentment because I would have I thought I would be interested in his stuff. You did, yes, yes. You had no expectations. No, I had zero. I think you know, probably zero. You were more leaning towards that way. Whereas I thought, no, I would be, if he was telling me he was doing something, I'm always show great interest in what he's doing. Yes. But I suppose, but I understood that that was just part of my personality because I find that interesting too, and I get like pleasure from it, from other people's successes. Yeah, but you think, why isn't it the other woman? This is so common. I once saw a film about this actress, and she was receiving this Oscar thing, you know, this the statue, and she came home and she, you know, she she turned around to her husband and she said, Oh my god. And he just said, Yeah, yeah, congrats, darling. And he just walked off and she thought, Well, where's the champagne? You know, aren't we gonna like yeah, whereas she celebrated all of his uh, you know, rewards and statues because he also was an act. She felt that kind of in the twinge, and then she phoned one of her friends, and her friend said, Oh, honey, don't expect that. No, you know, that's that's you come round, come round round here, come round here and we'll celebrate we'll celebrate tomorrow, you know. But you can't expect that, and you would think, why not? And is that right or is that wrong? Well, for generations and centuries, women have been brought up to support their husbands, exactly. So it's something that's in built in us as women, and plus we are generalizing. This is a big generalization, but normally a little bit more nurturing, a little bit more empathetic, not always, but a lot of us are that way, and especially you know, speaking for myself and for you, we are built that way, very empathetic. Yeah, so we tend to have great enthusiasm of when other people thrive, and you know, I suppose that's our job as well, if you think about it. But even before that, we became our job because of it, I think, because we loved it so much, we were so happy, and so we get we get great joy in seeing other people achieve. It's true, no, it is true, it is true, but I think that's why we've been so successful in our marriages because we haven't, even though I started out like with my um my boyfriend at the time. He first of all, he was my best friend, one of my best friends, because obviously I had other best friends, and I had you that you were totally confidant, confidant, yeah. But um, he was also a best friend, but he had completely different interests to me. I didn't expect him, I would go and see him play football and say, Yay! You know, you would, you would, even if it was raining and it was Newcastle, it was very cold and horrible. He would he would support me as well, but I didn't expect him to be like, I think cheering. No, your fan. But I just think that that now, especially with all the social media and everything, we just expect so much more from our partners than we used to, maybe.

Rebuilding Community Beyond A Partner

8:03

We had we expect them even to be more, we expect them to give us everything, like them to be and you know why this has happened because slowly we have isolated ourselves more from our communities, so we are more alone when we bond with somebody, we tend to just segregate with that person, yeah. And yes, we may have friends, and that's that happens a lot, doesn't it? Someone meets someone and then all of a sudden the friends are like excluded. Okay, it's normal at the beginning, I think, when you're just in the first I'm in love phase and evacuation phase. And when you have your friend, no, sorry, I can't make it today. It's important not to do that too much. To prioritize your friendships, isn't it? I think so, really important. You know, if you've got siblings, your friends, stay in contact with them and like understand that each person has a role. A role has to say. You know that like I know that you I'm gonna be talking to you and moaning to you about any kind of illness, any kind of ailment, I'll moan, and and you'll say, Oh, you poor thing, and oh, be kind to yourself and uh don't worry, you know, it's normal. I'm not gonna do that to my husband. Because he'll just say, Oh, yeah, okay, okay, take it easy. You know, that's it. I will not get anything else from that. It if anything, it's like, oh, I'll drive you to the hospital. I'll use practical, yeah. So I know that, and I do not expect anything else. Yeah, but if you don't fully understand that, it can be taxing mentally for you because you expect it, and I think expectations are detrimental, really, for relationships. Well, they are different. You know why they're detrimental? Because they are good in a way, they're good to your partner to be kind and respectful, respectful, faithful, and not uh like non-violent and all of these basic things, but then afterwards to expect one person, even if it's not your partner, it's your mum or dad, you can't expect one person to just fulfil everything in your life because we're very complex and complicated. So we have to have a bestie that can go to the concert with us of them for the music that we like, yes, and you know, we can't expect our partners to be just absolutely mad about the same music, the same no you know, it's like when you become a parent and you you want to talk about your children to other non-parents, it's just so boring for them. I know, but and they they can understand you a little bit and they oh that's really cute, yeah, yeah, but they don't really want to go on and on about your child. They do not, they do not, and that can also happen in a couple as well, like if you know you don't really want to be talking about your child the whole time with your partner.

Keeping Romance Alive With Space

11:04

No, you have to have like date nights, don't you? Exactly, because otherwise it just becomes like you you lose yourself, I think. You lose your the romantic side of your relationship, the flirting, because they we're expected to be like madly in love with our partners and madly attracted to them and madly, but how can we be so attracted to someone that we're like saying, Oh, I feel fat today, or I feel skinny, or I feel I feel I've got this, or I've come on, it's a turn off. I don't care what we're saying. My hair looks disgusting today, or or I've got this horrible thing going on in my brain. Horrible thing going on in my brain, that sounds that's like a horrible earworm or something, or I'm thinking about some horrible news. I mean, how can that be a turn on like what you say? It's not. There has to be, you have to keep a part of the romance going and and the flirting to the day. Yes, you have to remember that even if you are in. I mean, we have been with our our our husbands now for what is it like 40 years almost, 37 years. Well, since we met, yeah. Since we met. So it's about 40 years now. So, well, that's what I just said. So that's a hell of a long time. And if if we can guarantee that one of the secrets is to maintain that kind of Violetta staring at me intensely. I because I'm thinking I'm still madly in love with him. But why? Why? Because I think the mist yes, okay, of course you go through everything. He's uh hands-on my husband. Yes, so it's not like he doesn't, you know, he sees me in all forms and shapes, and yes, yes, you know, all day and night, and when I've had babies and everything, and he's helped and he's done, but I always remain. You remember who he was, I remember who he is, as a man. And I think other women are gonna be attracted to him. Right, well, that's certainly an incentive, and I think the same way. I I mean, I am still jealous of other women, and he just said to me the other day, when are you gonna stop being jealous? I am 70, he was just 70 the other day. He is, and and I said, Look, you know, you're 70, but like you're still mine, and I am still in love with you, and I do not want you to be flirting or to be with any, and he thinks it's it's absolutely hilarious, but I think the secret is to keep on seeing them that way, seeing them as as an object, not an object, that sounds terrible now. Oh my god, I was gonna say an object of desire. I mean, that's like the absolute oh dear, no. You're not wrong there. No, but as something that somebody else wants, like it's like it's gonna have to cut this out. An object of desire. Because I think that that is what goes wrong, is that you stop desiring your husband or partner, whoever they, whoever they are, because you you expect too much from them, so you don't have your own space, so you don't go with your girls to and have a flirty night out with your girlfriends or your boyfriends, you don't do these things that you would normally do.

Dating Without Turning It Into An Interview

14:34

So when you do go out of your comfort zone and do these things that you might have stopped doing now, because if you've been in a relationship or if you're just new to dating as well, you things when you're new, it's totally different because when you're new to dating, you want that person, you go and you have a date, and you show that person to yourself, not always because sometimes it is a bit like an interview nowadays because you meet on a date and you go for coffee or whatever, and it's like where do you work? What do you do? Uh okay, and then you type tick off all these boxes. But how can you expect that person to be natural there? Like, there was one lady that was saying, I was listening to uh to an Ofra show, and she was saying, I want my date to like fulfill me in every way, like I want that person to be really special, and and Esther was saying, Yeah, but you know, it takes a village. Oh, Esther Perel. She's a she's a famous psychologist and um in relationship exit. Yeah, right, okay. And she said, Yes, but it takes a village, you can't expect that person to be everyone for you. And it's she said, like what and another person that was saying, I can't, I'm right. I've I'm not dating anymore. It was like this famous TikTok that went mad. I've had enough, and I'm just gonna focus on myself now. And she said, Why don't you continue dating but just bring that person into your life? So if you're going hiking, say, Hey, I'm going on a hike, why don't you come? You're going hiking with your friends, you you bring them into your life, or you're going out on a night out, you know, you come along too, and then that person has more of a chance. You see that person talking to your friends, and you might find it them more attractive as well because you see how they intermingle with other people. It's not just you and them like having an interview, it's like a more natural environment. Well, that's one of the yeah, normally when you introduce them to your friends, that person, you know, you you you value your friend's opinion. Yeah. And so you sort of ask your friends, what did you think about them? You know, what do you think? I remember the first time you met George or you know, I was a little bit like thinking, Oh, what's Violetta gonna say about him? You didn't think much of him, did you? Or you did. What did you say? I thought he was really nice. No, I think it's a nice one. I remember mum liking him. Yeah. Yeah, but dad was huge. Eleven, yeah. He wasn't, he didn't look old, he just looked like a nice guy. Well, he looked normal, yeah. Obviously, he was older than me. Yeah. No, but this show so and and so sometimes you're thinking, you're being possessive about your friends and that, and you think, no, I'm not gonna introduce a person I don't know and I might not like to my friends. I'm not gonna go on a hike with all my friends and this one person that I've never met before. Right. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. We've kind of segregated dating to just dating. To just dating, just you and them. But that doesn't really give them a chance. It doesn't give them a chance, it doesn't give you a chance to be your natural self because you're gonna be all tense and like on.

How People Used To Meet

17:51

If we go back again, how did they used to date? They used to meet people in social occasions, exactly dances. In dances and then in family meetings or normally, exactly, like in the tribe as well. If we go back, back, back. How did we meet people? People that were in our tribe, like you probably known them for ages, and you would always do things with them, wouldn't you? You'd be like, I don't know, cooking, or you'd see them around, you know, if it was a small if I not the tribe is a bit that's a bit exaggerated. But if I go back to like the villages, yeah, in the villages. You would go to the village dance, yeah. People there, someone would say, Look, me. My mother-in-law, she says she met uh like my father-in-law, she met him because he came from another village and just randomly came to their village to sell some grapes or something because he was he was into selling, you know, they would come with their little tractors and sell grapes, and so she said she she saw him and she's oh what a handsome lad! You know, the the the the lads from other villages were very interesting because they would arrive and you know you would probably kind of know something about them, but not that much. But then it was so much simpler. There was you know, there was no distraction, there wasn't that much choice. No, no choice at all, basically. You know, it was either that lad or so we're not saying go back to those days because that's far too extreme. But too much choice can also be terrible. It's like when you go to a supermarket and you see so many different brands, in the end, I think, oh gosh, which one to choose from? Which one? And I go so you if you have a criteria, so you say I'm looking for the most uh biological, say, so then it becomes easier. Yes, yes, or I'm uh uh looking for the most economical because you're on a budget, yeah. Then it becomes easier. But if you just go and you just look at all the brands and you just think, Oh my gosh, which one to buy? Like you say, it becomes overwhelming, and I usually end up not going, leaving it. I can't be bothered yeah, you either leave it or I go for the intermediate, like the one in the middle. Yeah, so because I think that one might be bad because it's too cheap, and that one, well, that looks expensive, so I'll go for like the middle one, which apparently is what a lot of consumers do. But I'm not saying that's the same with dating, however, it can be overwhelming as well when there's just too much choice, and

Choice Overload Plus Kindness Criteria

20:25

we don't really give people a chance, and these high expectations as well. Come on, yeah, they're not. We don't give people now. We don't really know that dating, you're expected to look at a photo and then from a photo and a description expect you to see what, but uh dating is so much more, it's so it involves all the senses, doesn't it? You might meet them. It involves instincts as well. If you don't like them, you don't like the pheromones that they're emitting. So it's so it's it's so much more, I think. It is much more, and I think that we and I think we're we're condensing it into making it so much less. Well done, yeah. Well said, well said because we're trying to do it. Because it's so into one thing, one expectation that we have that we might not even know what we want or how we're gonna evolve or grow. We do change a lot through our lives, yes, we do, exactly, and we don't know how they're gonna change or go. So if it's like what our mum used to say if you find a kind person, yes, man or woman, and you want to be with them, be with them because if you are ready for a relationship, you know in your heart you're looking to find, your heart is yearning for love and for kindness, then if your heart is open, you will find, and you find another kind heart. Yes, kind hearts are not, you know, they're they're they're they're they're beautiful, they're around, but when you see one, don't just Say, don't just admit it. That's a good that's a kind heart, but they're a vegan and I'm not a vegan. Exactly, or they're a kind heart right wing and I'm left wing. They've got a wallet with that little thing that's that scotch thing, you know. What is it? I saw in a comedy that those wallets as men have. No, they have this thing, the sticky thing on it that go a velcro. A velcro. She's made a massive drama. No, but the girl, like in this movie, she said, I can't date him because he's got a yeah, it's ick. And then in the end, it was this romantic commentary was saying, Come on, why don't you just gift him a normal wallet? You know, you can get over that. And thank goodness she did, because he turned out to be a lovely person for her. What you say gives you the ick as well. No, no, no, it wouldn't be the monkeys about that. I mean, there is there are certain things that would that you have expectations. I would yeah, exactly. I mean, my expectation would be for them to be kind and to treat others. So if obviously if I date someone and I go to a restaurant with them and they're nasty to the people taking care of us, they're horrible. Yeah, I think that's an extremely nasty person. I will never see you again. I will, you're not, you don't treat others that way. You have not, it's not I would not invest my time with them, so they have to be they're kind. Yeah, there's certain red flags that are obvious that you say there's no point going down that road with them. Exactly. I don't want to have to waste my time you know not I was gonna say train them. I don't want to have to like give them the basic education because if it's not there, I I don't want my partner, it's too much effort, and then it'll it'll it'll break you in the end, it's not good for you. You have to think what's good for me as well, exactly. Yeah, so I I think you're right, you know, at one point you have to think if I if you're looking for love, you're looking to be in a relationship, and this goes with friends as well, because I was thinking friends are very much like romantic relationships. You can break up with a friend, you can be too harsh with a friend. Hey, you can have two hard expectations. High expectations, my friend never calls me. My friend, hey, just think. Oh, look how many friends got split up now because of the the left and the right wing divide in America. Yeah, so even things like that, political divide, which before people wouldn't have really bothered. I mean, they would a little bit, but like if you really know your friend and you know your friends, yeah, your heart, your friend's heart is there, and you know your friend is that kind of friend that will help you as well. Don't waste these things, they're precious. Yes, yes, they are precious, they are precious. Kind hearts, uh, it's all that you need. It's I really believe that kindness is the ultimate of everything. Well, yes, I I just think if you find a kind kindness and consideration, yes, you somebody that's respectful, somebody that's kind,

Compromise Before You Break Up

25:10

you've got it made. This other comedy I was watching was with a very famous one, an oldie, was um with Jennifer Aniston and this guy, I can't remember what his name is, and they split up, they actually split up because he wanted a pool table in his in the living room. They were living together, and she said no, but she expected him to help her with the dishes, and he said, No, I want to play a game now. And then in the end, all this led to them splitting up. But in the in at the end of the film, it showed how they both came together, and she said, Oh, I sh I could have there would have been room in here for a pool table. Yeah, and he said, Why didn't you just tell me that that meant so much to you? And I would have made an effort instead of just shouting at me and saying, You you're you never do anything that I like. Why didn't you explain it in those nice words that you're explaining it to me now? Because when they separated, she realized how much she actually missed him and she wanted him, but then they grew apart, and then afterwards they had time to grow apart, and then at the end of the film, you see them like compromising. You look good, and they'd have gone on their separate journeys, and then it was left open to whether they got to back together again as people that had grown and under they understood each other's point of view more instead of just fighting or not getting together once again, yeah. Being kind to the other person. Do you remember when we used to have therapy sessions with people that were uh uh were were getting a divorce, and we used to say to them, but how would the one of the first questions you say was, How would you feel if you saw your partner with somebody else? Would you feel good? I'm free of them, or would you feel like no? I want them, but I want that person. Yeah, yeah. And a lot of them did say they they would they would feel that they wanted them, they wouldn't like it to see them with somebody else. Yeah, some of them said I would be happy for them and I would be at peace, and that really I think if you can if you have if you have those kind of feelings, I think baby, you know, it really is time to say, okay. Well, yeah, well let's move on. It's a time, isn't there, and a place to say that's enough. Yes, and and it and a lot of the time it is better as well for your family. Absolutely, yeah, because you don't want to be arguing. No, you don't, so that's I think that's a wrap. That's a wrap, that's said and done. That's all sorted. Yes, no, what you think? Do you think that in relationships it's about compromise and understanding? I've actually this is funny. The other day I was telling my husband something, and then I said, This is a yutka story, isn't it? Yeah, and he started laughing and he said, Yeah, he was listening, but I could see who wasn't that interested. No, yeah, exactly. Yeah, that there are certain things that are not they're just not just not you're not gonna get the same satisfaction from them as if you tell your best friend. No, and in the end, you you feel like you get you get annoyed. That's the problem, is you start feeling uh well I found it I in the end I realized it, so I found it funny, so I wasn't annoyed, but I could have been annoyed because I could say, Why aren't you listening to me? I'm trying to tell you this thing. That's what I mean. There's a lot to be uh you can avoid these mistakes because I think they're mistakes in believing the partner is everything to you. They're gonna want to listen to the book that you read, they're gonna want to listen to every single thing. Hey, they're they're just lovely people and they just want to be at peace themselves. You can be different, they're different to you, you can love them, but don't expect them to do everything and be everything and listen and everything that it would take, like you know, other people to well you need like five people probably to do that, don't you? Well, yeah, if you're lucky enough to have still have your parents alive, you can talk to them and you can talk to your siblings, your friends, it's all the people, you know. You can even go online to forums and talk. Yeah, there's there's a lot, there's a whole

Closing Thoughts And How To Reach Us

29:20

community. You know, come and chat to us about it. Yeah, chat to us, leave us a message, and have a great day. Thank you for listening. I hope some of this has helped you think that maybe I am too much. Yes, maybe there are all the things, you know, there are other people that I can share myself with and not expect just everything to be in that one person that you've chosen. Yeah, and your life becomes so much more fulfilling, doesn't it? It does, it becomes enriched, you feel lighter, you feel happier, you feel more inspired. You're more inspired, and there's generally more spark and joy in the relationship. So it's free, your mind is free to love them for who they are, and you can have an opportunity to miss them as well when you go away, when you come back. Ah, your ashes then go away. Oh no, like you go away for an evening and then you come back, and then you say, Oh, I missed you. Exactly, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Okay, lots of love and smash for English sisters. You follow the podcast wherever you get the podcast and come and subscribe to us on our YouTube channel. We would we'd love it if you say hi and leave a comment. Lots of love, bye, bye.